Support System

Life is tough, whichever hill you're over or merely approaching the summit of. It is tough regardless of your state or non-state of marital bliss. Is it sometimes tough to be a single in a church that stresses family? You bet. According to my married friends, it's sometimes tough to be married in a church that stresses family. I think the only real reason the inactivity rate of singles in the church is so much higher than the inactivity rate of the married people is the lack of a support system. That, to me is the sad thing about that inactivity rate. Singles feel the isolation more acutely but the stresses are there for everyone, because Satan doesn't want any of us to succeed.

I have a number of friends who believe that the singles "wouldn't leave the church in droves" if only the church would "fix the program". After much debate, we have had to agree to disagree. Me, I don't think the program is broken. That's not to say things couldn't be improved. There's always room for improvement. But as far as the singles receiving extra-special attention? I don't think so. When I first joined the church, the two singles groups were referred to as "Special Interest" and "Young Special Interest". One of those improvements the Church made was renaming the groups to "Single Adults" and "Young Single Adults". I found the new terms more accurate in their mere simplicity: I am single, and I am an adult. Ta da! I do indeed think I'm special. We all are. Being labelled as such didn't make me feel happier, more welcome, or even more special. But I didn't take umbrage at the old moniker, either.

It has been suggested the Church should help singles find suitable mates. I daresay they could do a better job of it than I. But frankly, it's not their job. It's mine. As much as I obviously stink at it, I want the right to make my own decisions -- riddled with mistakes -- regarding my Eternal Companion. I don't want the Cosmic Hotdog Vendor pointing her out to me (if you understand this reference, you watch too many TV commercials.)

Actually, the Church does help singles find suitable mates. It's one of the best kept secrets in the Church. There's no dedicated "Courtship 101" Sunday School class for it. You won't find a manual in the meetinghouse library, on the same shelf with "Primary 1 (Sunbeam Class)", "Gospel Essentials", and "New Testament Teacher's Manual". But there is "how to" instruction available. When you ask people what qualities they are looking for in a spouse, the majority of those answers are going to be character traits which are taught in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And we're unlikely to recognize those traits in another if we're not actively developing those traits within ourselves.

It is at this point I am usually interrupted with questions such as, "So! What you are telling me is I can't find my eternal companion and all those other singles can't find theirs because we're somehow unworthy?" I've never fully understood the leap between the statement and the conclusion. And since I have been single longer than most those who think I think that, I'd obviously be including myself in that category.

But it does beg the question, "Why do people go inactive?" Whether we're asking about the singles inactivity rate or the inactivity rate in general, I think the answer is the same: People lose sight of who they are. They either begin to think too much of themselves or they start thinking too little of themselves. Satan doesn't particularly care how he drags us down, but knowing our weaknesses, he'll exploit them. For some that will be through feelings of superiority through intellectualism, materialism, smokin' good looks. For others it will be just the opposite; he will cause them to focus on where they fall short, on where and how they don't measure up: they aren't smart enough, aren't beautiful enough, aren't spiritual enough. On the one hand, too much, on the other, not enough. And sometimes Satan will throw in addictions, both physical and behavioral, to exaggerate those false self perceptions. And so.... people leave. In droves.

Whether we think too much or too little of ourselves, the crux of the matter is this: we have placed ourselves at the center. Our focus has shifted from the Savior and others to ourselves. I didn't get what I needed. The bishop wasn't there for me. My home teacher wasn't there for me. My girlfriend wasn't there for me. My mother/father/sister/brother wasn't there for me. I didn't get what I needed. I am at the center. I am broken, and they broke me, and they need to fix it.

Now, it is true we have to take care of ourselves in order to effectively serve others. We cannot charge another's batteries if our own have been entirely depleted. I'm familiar with this: I believe I "have to" drop everything and go help someone in need. Sometimes that's true; sometimes the situation truly is that urgent. Most of the time, it really can wait until I complete whatever I'm in the middle of. But if I lose that balance I might become resentful, because I have no time to myself, and it's all their fault... and I'm at the center again.

People leave the Church because their needs aren't met, and they come to feel isolated and unworthy and distrustful of their selves as well as of others. Not because the program wasn't there, or because another person who should've been more cognizant of their needs wasn't. Those are convenient scapegoats. But regardless of who or what fell short, the most often overlooked factor is this: We are in control of our own lives.

Sounds simple doesn't it? And if you've ever been at the end of your rope (and if you're old than say, eight, you have been!) you understand that truth on an intellectual level but emotionally you're hurting so much that you just feel stuck and feel like you cannot handle it alone.

Then stop trying to! Really. Whether you're trying to pull your own ox or someone else's ox out of the mire, admit that the ox is there and it's too heavy and too stuck for you to handle alone, swallow your dadgum  pride and ask for help! I wonder if people think that since on Judgement Day we have to stand alone in front of out Savior to account for our lives, that we might as well start practicing now and do every single thing alone every single day until then? We are not supposed to go it alone, but we are continually astonished at how hard it is when we try to.

In the Church there has been a great focus of late on the topic of "Rescue". How do we go about fixing what's broken in the Singles program? We rescue them. One at a time, the same way they were lost. By helping them to remember for themselves who they are and why they matter: They are Children of God. We bring them back by being their friends, by serving them, by teaching them, by loving them individually. And if we find ourselves among the lost, we accept the offered help with gratitude and (warning: scary word approaching!) trust.

We become actively engaged in our own lives and in the lives of others. We build a support system.